Ramblings on screwing up *slaps forehead*

So going to BYU and living in Provo (and watching general conference) there is a lot of pressure to date and get married and all that. And when I say a lot of pressure, I mean you hear about it pretty much daily from church leaders and teachers etc. The problem is that I have never been a huge fan of dating here. The little games drive me nuts and on top of that you have to wonder what she thinks, and then try to figure what she thinks you think, and then also what she thinks that you think she thinks about a given situation/comment/action. It's maddening. Why can't we all just say what's on our minds? Not to mention that all the cool girls get way more attention from guys than is healthy.

They slip into this mode (probably not even on purpose) where they just kind of get used to guys fawning over them and taking them places and stuff and their egos kind of get out of control. On top of that, because everyone here has marriage on the brain constantly that's how they critique dates. Both guys and girls seem to be analyzing their date from the moment they meet them to determine their potential as a possible eternal companion. I guess this can be good but it drives me nuts. People scrutinize everything from what the person wears and says, to the way they hold their freaking fork. It is nearly impossible to find a cool, attractive girl who you can just hang out with and get to know, without having to worry about all the scrutiny.

Because to be honest I'm not that worried about  marriage right now. I want to get married someday but I'm not in a rush. I am all for meeting a great girl, falling in love, being all mushy and stuff and then deciding to get married. But in that order.
1. meet girl
2. fall in love and be all mushy, then
3. decide to get married.

Not this order,
1. think and agonize constantly about getting married
2. meet girl
3. try to be all mushy so she falls in love with me,  then
4. convince her to marry me.

I feel like thats what a lot of people try to do - and it doesn't work. That's why they are still single and still wrecking havoc on the dating world.

So, I look at dating a lot different than I think most people do, here in Provo at least. Of course I'm gonna make every attempt to be my best around girls, but I try to be myself still, and not some other guy. Even if that other guy, that I could pretend to be, might be more smooth, fun, or articulate than I. I try to be honest and straightforward about whats going on, and not play any of the games.

Having said all of that...I know a few really cool girls. One in particular. She knows who she is...and so do some of you. She is just plain cool and we can hang out and goof off and talk, without scrutiny. Well maybe there is scrutiny on her end - but if so, she hides it well. And so now that I have found a cool girl who...yeah I'm interested in...how do I go about wooing said girl? I break her face with my car...yes really.

We've hung out some and have been on a double date but a few days ago we went on our first single date, just the two of us. We went bowling. It was a lot of fun. Leaving the bowling alley on campus we decided to go get something to eat right? So we were driving there when it happened.

Longish story shortish: Brakes were slammed. Wet pavement prevented actual stopping of the car. Cars collided. Air bags deployed. Even hitting the other car wouldn't have been so bad - cuz I was only going 15-20 MPH - but when the airbags smack you in the face at like 35 mph...it hurts. It also breaks the windshield. Which means broken bits of glass.

So...where to go from there? LOL who even knows? She definitely got the worst of it. I didn't have a mark on me, but she got a black eye and a wicked headache. When she went to the student health center the next day they pulled some small pieces of glass out of her eye. They said everything will heal fine...but for now...she has a pretty black eye. Thanks to yours truly.  I took her over to some steps and sat her down there while I went and talked to the other driver, who was also fine. He was quite cool about it all and we exchanged information and all of that. Her roommate came and picked her up while I drove my car, nice and slow-like, back to our apartment complex.

I tried my best to make sure she was okay and did what I could for the rest of the night to make her feel better, but really how do you make that up to a girl? After we all got back to her apartment I got my roommate to take me to get her some food and even got dessert. I tried to lighten the mood telling the lame jokes that I tell. I even brought her a half gallon of her favorite flavor of ice cream the next day. Hopefully it's helped to make her feel better...but I still feel like a complete and total idiot.

The hardest part is that she has been so cool about it. I mean let's face it. It was my fault. She put her trust in me to take her out and get her home safely, which I failed to do. Failed miserably. It could have been worse I know, but it could have been a lot better too. She kept telling me not to worry about it - like that's gonna happen. I almost wish she would just yell at me because I can't think of a way to punish myself sufficiently. I guess in reality there is nothing that I can do to make her eye better or whatever, and feeling guilty won't help anything, but...I still feel guilty as heck and like I need to do something. Maybe once I have paid for a new windshield and the repairs to the other guys car (not too bad and hopefully not too expensive) my monetary suffering will have been sufficient. If not, then being broke and eating ramen noodles for the rest of semester until my new loan installment comes through...that could do it too.

If I may say so (which I may cuz there is no one to stop me) she is still as beautiful as ever, even with a black eye. And the fact that she has been so cool about it all makes her pretty much a saint. I probably won't be allowed to forget this for a long long time, by her, her roommates, or by my family and friends. I can however hope for one more chance (maybe more?) to take her out and prove that we can have an exciting time without damaging my precious cargo. :D

Ironically enough I just got a call from the guy I hit and it's gonna cost a lot more than I thought...So I think my penance is about to be paid...in cold hard cash...which I don't have...